How Parts (IFS) Work Helps Me Get Through A Really Really Bad Day
Parts work helps me get through really really bad days.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is the particular kind of parts work I do.
If you’re not familiar with IFS, here’s JVN of Queer Eye talking about it with founder Dick Schwartz.
I resisted IFS for a while. After being a therapist for 20 years trained in SO many modalities, I felt like I didn't want to learn one more method taught by one more white guy.
But when my partner got so into it, I really gave it a chance. It started to help me so much, I realized I DID need to learn one more method. Now I use it with my clients and every day with myself.
One of the things that feels most true and helpful to me about IFS is the concept that we’ve got a whole bunch of parts carrying different jobs and burdens, and we each also have a “self” that is not a part.
According to IFS, there is an energy inside me that is always present, and can never be destroyed, an energy that is kind, compassionate, curious and open. IFS calls it "self-energy." This feels true to me.
But…
In a really difficult moment, I sometimes don't sense any of that energy inside of me.
Bringing that self-energy to my most difficult moments is something I’m working on doing more and more.
In my most painful moments I tend to feel desperate, alone, and like no one is coming to save me.
I had a really bad day a while back.
In the language of IFS, I was “blended” with a hopeless part, which means hopelessness was driving the bus. I wasn’t feeling much of my self-energy. I wasn’t experiencing self-compassion, curiosity or openness.
One of my best friends happened to call me in the middle of it.
Between my tears, I vented about all of the things that were bothering me. Intrusive thoughts, insecurities, deep attachment fears, a sense of worthlessness and some anger too.
She tried to say some helpful and loving things.
It felt good to know she cared. And it felt good just to hear the voice of someone who loved me.
The one thing she said that really got through was “You don’t always feel this way about these things. Usually you feel MUCH calmer.”
“I do?” I sniffed.
“Yes you absolutely do.”
None of the other advice or words of wisdom got in. I was too activated.
But the reminder that sometimes I feel calmer about this very same life…it made me feel like maybe someone IS coming to save me…another version of myself.
Later that day, I was able to bring in some bits of those self-qualities like self-compassion, curiosity, calm and openness to my own pain. I felt some relief. Hope returned.
And as it always happens, I felt some sense of “Why did I feel SO bad and how can I please not have to feel quite that bad again?”
I knew I’d be back in a rough day again at some point.
So I wrote myself a letter on my phone to read the next time I found myself in lots of emotional pain.
It's a letter from my self-energy to any part of me that is experiencing a lot of pain.
Here it is.
💛 Break glass in emotional emergency:
Annie my love. You don’t have to do anything or figure anything out right now. You are in no way a loser or doing anything wrong if all you can do is sit there feeling horrible. I am here from the other side. I can tell you for sure that every time we go through a dark day of the soul, we come out with mad lessons and new wisdom.
That will happen this time too.
(Unless what is happening is that one of our children is in serious danger. In that case please just call your friends and they will help you.)
But if this is a horrible moment of the soul over painful stuff in our relationship with someone we care about or any of the really hard shit we go through…please read.
I love you and I promise you will get through this too.
You will again feel our power and wisdom and hope.
Don’t want to meditate or go for a walk or call a friend? No problem.
Just want to wrap yourself in a blanket and cry or watch TV or play a game on your phone?
No problem.
I’m here from the future and past.
Earlier this was a horrible free-fall day.
As I'm writing this, we’re OK. We have energy and life again.
The ONLY goal you have is to love yourself and get through the next moment.
I love you love you love you.
For some reason you are the one who has to feel this really horrible stuff for us right now. And somehow every time we get through that stuff we come out wiser and more peaceful every single time. But only every single time!
The next time I found myself big difficult feelings, I found the note and read it.
It helped. I felt a little bit more loved. I knew for sure that I was telling the truth when I wrote it, so I knew I could trust the honesty of every word.
That last section where I got recognition for being “the one” inside who has to feel the horrible stuff, made me feel witnessed and appreciated by me.
I felt a little relieved to remember that my only job was to get through the next moment, and that in fact I was doing just great by doing nothing.
If any version of this would serve you, I hope you’ll try it.