I Had Such A Hard Time Finding My Own Therapist

I had such a hard time finding my own therapist.

But I did it.

I’m sharing this because as therapists and healers, we need to do our own healing, and sometimes it’s hard.

I realized last fall that I needed to find a therapist or healer*. Part of me was so ready to get 1:1 help, and part of me was resisting and dragging my feet.

Really, it was time. I was struggling with my partner in a way I never had before, and I was feeling a lot of distress. I have complex trauma, and some of my oldest and deepest attachment wounds were coming up and calling out for attention. My back was spasming I was crying every day.

I was functioning, but I wasn’t healing.

I had already been doing a lot of personal work in community with other therapists and healers who are my friends. But I needed more.

I had actually found a wonderful somatic coach in the summer, and then we turned her into our couples therapist. And I really needed her to stay our couples therapist.

I remember one of my best friends saying: “You need someone to really hold you week after week in a healing process.”

She even rocked her arms to show me how I needed to be held like a baby.

I said “Yeah, no, I’m not expecting THAT. I’ll find a practitioner to help me heal, but I don’t know if I’ll expect THAT kind of holding.”

I was afraid, and I had so many reasons why I wasn’t sure I would find a great fit.

Here are some of my reasons I was afraid I just couldn’t find someone:

I’ve coached hundreds of therapists over the years, so I was afraid I couldn’t find someone I wouldn’t feel exposed with because maybe they’d know someone who had worked with me.

I had a good therapist years ago, but she doesn’t use IFS or Brainspotting, and I knew I wanted one of those modalities because talk therapy alone hadn’t been enough.

I’m 53, I’ve been through a lot and I've done a lot of personal growth so I wasn’t sure I could find someone seasoned enough to feel safe with.

I’d have to find someone who is truly comfortable and experienced with issues that touch me and my immediate family including anti-black racism, trans phobia and autism.

It’s hard for me to trust someone enough to really delve into my childhood trauma because I’ve had therapists who caused a lot of harm over the years by not knowing how to help me and leaving me feeling worse.

Most of all I just felt dread in my stomach when I thought about the vulnerability of talking to a new potential therapist.

I worried I wouldn’t find a person I really felt safe with, someone I could sit my ass down with, cry my eyes out with, allow all my parts to be seen by, including the very young, the seemingly unreasonable, the scared and the angry ones.

I was brave. I took small steps and I didn’t stop until I found someone who checked all of those boxes.

I found a really good IFS practitioner and got some significant healing over 6 months. I let out a big sigh of relief as I write that.

Then I sensed I needed something different, a particular kind of strong holding energy that wasn’t happening with my practitioner.

Part of me thought I should just be grateful I had found such a good practitioner.

But I decided to trust my longing again.

So I found an IFS practitioner who has the kind of energy I was needing.

We’ve only had a handful of sessions, and so far I’m feeling held and met in a way that allows me to let go and release a lot of trauma in each session.

As I reflect on this process I’ve been through over the past several months, I feel proud that I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and to really trust my sense of what I need.

My friend was right. I am grateful that I’m allowing myself to be held week after week.

When someone chooses to work with me as their healer, I feel aware of how vulnerable it is for them to build trust with me and allow themselves to step into the process. It’s an incredible honor to be a healer.

*I’m using the word “therapist” throughout this email even though many of the folks I have worked with are actually working in the capacity of coach or healer and not working under a therapy license.