What If I’m Having Trouble Building A Chosen Family?

As a 54 year old queer, I have been hearing the term “chosen family” for at least 30 years. I’ve always wanted one.

And I now I have one, even if it doesn’t look like that ideal chosen family I once dreamed of. (I dreamed of a chosen family I'd see every day and that would never have conflict, so...yeah).

If you hear people talking about their wonderful chosen families and you feel a bit envious or concerned that creating a chosen family has not happened for you yet, or if you wonder why it’s been really difficult to cobble together your own super-close handful of friends…I am here to say YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.

Why might it be hard to build a chosen family?

There are a bunch of reasons it may be hard for you.

It has taken me until now to feel like I really have a chosen family. I mentioned I’m 54? Also, I’ve been helping people heal trauma for over 20 years.

Here’s the thing.

If your family of origin has been difficult for you, and perhaps some of your relationships with parents or siblings are broken or painful for you, it’s likely that friendship is also not totally easy for you.

My friend Laura says that people who have secure attachment and ease with their families of origin have “security privilege.” People who had secure attachment in childhood tend to have an easier time creating more securely attached relationships throughout life.

The rich get richer.

But also, no matter what your childhood was like, you’re not broken, and you can still form securely attached friendships.

I’ll use myself as an example.

I grew up without secure attachment. I have complex trauma.

My parents both experienced insecure attachment in their own families as they grew up. They came from families that carried legacies of emotional scarcity, shame, and fear of exclusion.

I turned to close friends to meet a lot of my emotional needs, so my friends were desperately important to me from the time I was 5 on up. I always had at least one or two very close friends who I wanted to share my whole world with.

But I also struggled to feel safe in these friendships. That’s how insecure attachment works. You bring it with you.

I brought a lot of intensity, mistrust and hyper vigilance to my little friendships. I had a lot of conflict and heartbreaking friendship break ups.

These insecure patterns continued to play out in my teens, 20’s, 30’s and 40’s.

In lots of ways, I was a good friend. I was fun, I showed up and I had energy for my friends. But I also brought my insecurity and disorganized attachment* to these relationships.

What were some of my insecure attachment behaviors?

I felt terrified when I heard that a group of friends were gathering without me. I would shut down emotionally and take distance rather than being able to talk directly about my feelings or self-soothe.

If I sensed that a friend was upset with me, my nervous system would escalate to the point that I’d want to do or say anything just to make it better, sometimes abandoning myself and then resenting them.

If I was angry with a friend, I’d often vent to another shared friend about it rather than talking directly to the person I was upset with. This would sometimes give me the feeling of validation I craved in the moment, but it left me feeling petty and dishonest, and did nothing to resolve the conflict. In fact it grew the conflict by pulling others in.

All of these behaviors made it hard to consistently build the kind of trust you need for a “chosen family.”

As I reflect on my younger self, I’m not ashamed of the ways I acted. I’ve got self-compassion for this younger me because I understand why I was stuck in those patterns. I needed to heal my attachment wounds in order to do things differently. I was doing my best, and sometimes I did really well.

How am I different now that I’m healing my attachment wounds?

The more I heal my attachment wounds, the better able I am to build and maintain my chosen family.

I’m more direct now. I can handle not being invited to everything without thinking it means I’m unwanted. I usually am able to assume my close friends adore me and have my back. If I’m pissed at someone I can usually either let it go or tell them directly. If someone is pissed at me, I can hear it even if it’s hard at first.

None of this is easy!

I have a handful of friends who I’ve been friends with since my 20’s. And an even smaller number of close friends I’ve added since.

They tell me I am really different now, in a good way. They say I’m softer, more present and more flexible than I used to be. They each also recognize that they are a lot more mature than they used to be.

So again, I share this because I would have liked to read it myself, even a few years ago.

If creating a chosen family is not easy for you, or it hasn’t happened yet, you are NOT broken, and it is not too late, no matter how old you are.

FAQs About Building A Chosen Family:

How can I start building a chosen family if it’s been a struggle for me?

Work on your relationship with yourself by doing some trauma healing. My favorite methods are IFS and Brainspotting. At the same time, notice which of your friends you feel the most safe with and little by little, share yourself more transparently with them.

How does a friend become a chosen family member?

In my experience, a friend usually crosses over to a chosen family over several years. There is no one right path. Getting closer becomes more likely when you accrue hundreds of hours together and help each other through difficult transitions (like divorce, illness or death of a loved one). Working through conflict with a friend can also solidify the friendship.

Are my insecure attachment behaviors scaring people away?

If you are like me, then maybe some of your behaviors are making it hard for people to really know you. Instead of beating yourself up, please remember that EVERYONE has their stuff. You do not have to be perfect in order to have close friends. Be willing to look at how your behavior affects other people, and make repairs when you make a mistake.

*By disorganized attachment, I mean that I had both strategies of anxious attachment and strategies of avoidant attachment. I sometimes moved towards my friends for contact or reassurance, and at other moments, I would shut down and move away.

Annie Schuessler Zam helps trauma survivors with healing and nervous system regulation in San Francisco and online everywhere through Brainspotting and Internal Family Systems informed coaching. She is the creator of Rebel Therapist Podcast where practitioners tell their own personal stories of healing.