Your friend just told you they went no-contact with their parent. How do you respond?

You just found your friend has gone no contact with a parent or other person who raised them. How should you respond?

First of all, you’re not alone if this feels awkward or stressful. You’re not alone if you said the wrong thing. I’m going to give you some suggestions about what to say next time this comes up. The fact that you’re reading this means you care!

Why take MY advice?

I’m estranged from a parent, and I’ve been helping people with this issue professionally for over 20 years as a therapist and now a healer. I have heard it ALL.

When I tell someone the truth about my own estrangement, there’s about a 75% chance that we’re going to have an awkward moment, and that the person I’m talking to is going to say something unhelpful, even though they are a kind and caring person.

In a group workshop I run for estranged folks, one of the activities we do together is to list out all the well meaning but unhelpful responses we’ve gotten when we’ve told people we are not in touch with a parent. Here’s what gets shared:

“But you only have one mother.”

“Everyone has a hard time with their parents.”

“Have you ever thought of forgiving them?”

“I used to have conflict with my parent too, but now I accept them for who they are.”

“I think the trend of people going no-contact is really going too far.”

“What if your parent dies and you regret it?”

“But what about your kids not knowing their grandparent?”

“I read an article about this, and it said it’s really hard for the parent.”

If you said this stuff, PLEASE try to give yourself some grace for not having a great response right away. Most people don’t.

I wrote this letter to you because no one teaches us this stuff.

I want you to know a few things that might help your relationship with this estranged person.

They probably don’t need your advice.

I probably don’t know your friend, but I’ve talked to many, many estranged people. If they’re anything like the rest of us, here’s what’s probably true:

If the estrangement was your friend’s choice, they didn’t make that decision it lightly. Every estranged person I know has tried lots of things to make the relationship work before choosing estrangement. They probably tried everything you could possibly suggest and more.

As humans, we are wired for connection. We want to be loved by and connected with the people who raised us if we can be. But some of us find that being in relationship with our particular parent is causing too much pain. Each estranged person has their own reasons why they need this space. Sometimes estrangement is temporary, and sometimes it’s lifelong.

If you end up becoming close to this person, you’ll probably eventually hear their reasons for needing estrangement.

Your friend’s estrangement might be a good thing for them, given their situation.

It wasn’t easy for them to take this space, but it doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing for them. Lots of people I’ve worked with have discovered that in their particular situation, they can live a more beautiful life and do more of their own healing when they take temporary or permanent space from their parent. That’s been true for me personally.

Your reaction is probably more about you than it is about them.

It might bring up a big reaction in you to hear that your new friend is estranged from their parent.

Maybe it’s painful to imagine someone being estranged from their parent because your parent is such a source of love for you. If that’s the case, I’m genuinely happy for you.

Maybe it’s heartbreaking to imagine someone being estranged from their parent because your own child is so incredibly important to you.

OR, on the other hand…

Maybe you have a lot of pain in your OWN relationship with one of your parents, and a part of you thinks you might need estrangement too…and that scares you because it would be so difficult.

Sit with your own feelings and see what’s up.

Once you’ve listened to yourself, you’ll be more ready to have a helpful response for your friend.

So what SHOULD you say to your friend?

You can come back to your friend and say: ”When you told me you don’t have contact with your mother, I don’t like how I responded. I realize I had a reaction that wasn’t about you. That was my stuff.”

No matter what words you say or don’t say, be present, open, and curious. It’s OK for you not to be perfect in your response here. If you feel anxious, that’s OK. Keep reminding yourself that your friend is not you, and your friend has already been dealing with this estrangement for some time.

Here are some responses folks tend to find more helpful. Many of the folks I work with prefer a response like this:

“I’m sure you have your reasons for that estrangement.”

This leaves the door open for them to share more or leave it there for now. It shows respect and openness.

Another good response can be open hearted silence, the not awkward kind of silence.

Open hearted silence can mean nodding and seeing what they share next.

If this has potential to be a close friendship, you might say something like: “If you ever want to share more, I’m here for it.”

P.S.

If you’re reading this because YOU are estranged from a parent, I’ve learned a lot of different responses to try when people say the wrong thing.

After someone gives you unhelpful advice, or asks an invasive or judgmental question, here are some things participants in my workshop have said:

“I hear things like that a lot.”

“It sounds like this brings up a lot for you. I’m used to that happening.”

“My situation is complicated. It’s different from what you’re talking about.”

Also, feel free to hand them this letter!

Or….just allow silence. You don’t have to smooth this moment over.